I stopped drinking years ago. I stopped shopping this year. And now I am dealing with all of the mental clutter without a vice. Situations that happened when I was a small child are bubbling up. Traumatic events are bubbling up. Old pains, old loves, and old shit is bubbling up. Some nights I wake up with nightmares. Some mornings I try to sit and mediate without much luck. Sometimes I wonder how I made it this far.
The pull to use a vice to get through it is gone. It has taken time. It has taken long talks with my husband who always knew that better things were in my future and that I wasn’t completely broken. It has taken many self improvement podcasts and books. It has taken me years to clean out the mental bullshit, recognize the crap as crap, kick bad habits and bad people to the curb, and keep on moving forward.
I am able to call a spade a spade in a kinder and more compassionate way. I am able to select who gets to see which act in my daily life story. I am able to choose without fear what I really want in life.
It is a freeing feeling to see people or think of them without the sinking feeling of their opinions. Without the fear of being judged or rejected.
I feel like I wear invisible armor each day.
I am proud of my progress.
I am proud of my choices.
I am proud of my relationships.
I am proud of me!
(Hiking without fear!)